While I'm here...

A new freelance job has come-up and she wants to connect her blogspot site to her personal site, so I came here to research the options. Looks like I haven't been here in almost two years. Where was I two years ago? I was sharing an apartment with two people... I was looking for a house to buy and it wasn't going well. I was still getting over a ridiculously pathetic relationship, which could hardly be classified as such.

Yesterday, my brother came to town and we went to the range. It was the first time I'd shot my revolver since I got it years ago. A shooting range is such a wierd place with all that absolute violence going-on all around you and you've got the ear protection on and it's muffled... and the people were so crazy, too. What did I see? A yuppie with a stainless .45 tucked into his belt, an old guy with a yarmulke on, another guy wearing a kilt, bad news meth-dealer looking guys with an SKS.

Afterwards, we headed to a bar for dinner and then spent the night and early morning talking and drinking. I rarely stay-up past 11:30 PM, so hitting the bed a bit drunk past 2 AM and getting-up at 6:30 AM hasn't been pleasant, but not nearly as bad as I thought it would be.

Whistling-sound.... naaaaaaeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrr.....

These moods come over me sometimes. One's come over me today. I hate to say that something has "come over me" or I feel "out of my mind" because it smacks of disowning any sort of responsibility for what I do. That being said, when this happens, I feel like I have no control over it. It's hard to describe or even comprehend. There have been times where a friend tells me of a problem he has and I can come-up with a solution very easily. It's so obvious and, from that perspective, I can't understand why he just can't take my advice and move on. But, here I am, going crazy 'cause I can't do it myself. I've always said that the most painful thing for me is that I'm fully conscious of what's going-on with myself. I get in these compounding, implosive fits, where the world keeps folding in on itself, on top of me. I have a vision of a black hole in outer space, where the mass becomes so large that it pulls itself inwards, imploding, crushing. This is the depression I get. I see no way out. Nothing seems worth anything. I'm worthless. The world is worthless. I hate everyone, everything. I'm not violent, though. I just want to turn to stone or something. The other day, I was looking out the window, at a tree, and I wondered what it would be like to be a single cell in the very center of the thickest part of its trunk. Then, I noticed the wooden framing of the window and wondered if they still felt anything. Does the tree have a soul? If so, does it remain, fragmented in the things that are created from it? Will true release only come with the end of all things? That's what I began thinking of at that point. That time, billions of years in the future when our sun supernovas and engulfs the interior planets of the solar system. Everything will be gone. It's unavoidable. Then I start thinking about the human race and how pathetic we are because of the things we fight over and how we make each other suffer for such meaningless things.